What Might've Been

September 11, 2001.  We all remember that day as if it were yesterday.  The visions of falling buildings.  People covered in ash.  The sounds of sirens.  Panic.  Screams of desperation.  Confusion.  Men and women falling hundreds of feet to their death.  It's all there...burned into our memories.  We'll never forget because we can't. 

Eric and I were stationed in Ft. Drum, New York which is about 8 hours from New York City.  I was working in a before and after school child care program.  I worked from 6-8 in the mornings and usually made it home around 8:15-8:30.  As I walked into the door I saw Eric sitting on the far left side of the large couch lacing his left boot.  He was still.  Just holding his laces in his hands.  When I saw what he was seeing on TV I was confused at first.  He quickly filled me in, tied his boot, kissed me good-bye and left for work faster than I had ever seen him go. 

I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with John.  All day my phone rang with friends and family who worried for us.  I didn't go to work that afternoon.  I was too tired.  My stomache was upset.  Eric would come home for spurts and have to leave again.  I knew this would affect us but I didn't know how.  His unit was already deployed to Kosovo so I knew there was no possibility of him being deployed....so I thought. 

He came home late that afternoon and gave me the news that several of the men from the deployed units have been put on a list to go to The City to help with rescue efforts.  It was like being in a dream.  I remember helping him pack his bags and trying not to cry.  If he were to be called, there would be no long good-bye.  No "one more dinner" or "one more dance".  That was it.  At any moment he would be gone and I knew....I KNEW that he would never be the same person when he returned....if he returned. 

At that point in our lives, we were not following God.  We didn't go to church, we certainly didn't pray or read our Bibles.  But we both have good, God-fearing families who, I know, covered us in prayer.  And their prayers of protection were answered. 

Eric never got called to leave.  He was upset.  Every soldier on that base was chomping at the bits to get their hands dirty.  He wanted to do his part so I understand his frustration.  However, as a new mom-to-be and a new wife I was so happy and relieved. 

We found out that his name was the 5th one on the list and that only the first 4 men were called from that particular list. Now you tell me that isn't an act of God!

Every year I thank my God who wrapped his arms tight around my family and protected us.  I wonder about friends who we haven't seen or heard of in years.  I cry.  I watch TV footage.  I educate the kids.  I get angry.  I mourn.  It is a sad time. 

My tears began yesterday...several times.  I didn't want to get up today.  But I did.  I don't want to go to work.  But I will.  I didn't want to work out.  But I did.  What I really, really, REALLY would love to do is lay in bed and shut the world completely off for just one day.  But I won't. 

The world didn't end 11 years ago.  For our family, it kind of began.  And although my heart breaks and I fight back tears just writing this, I refuse to let the sadness get me down.  I refuse to give them victory over me.  I will get up and I will choose to be happy.  I will turn off my TV, I will limit my facebook time, I will surround myself with friends and appreciate my time with my family.  I will continue to pray for our soldier friends and for all the first responders who put  their lives on the line everyday.  I will wonder about some who we haven't heard from.  I will cry over the "what-ifs" and I will be thankful that they didn't happen.  But most of all I will get up and I will continue to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.