September 11, 2001. We all remember that day as if it were yesterday. The visions of falling buildings. People covered in ash. The sounds of sirens. Panic. Screams of desperation. Confusion. Men and women falling hundreds of feet to their death. It's all there...burned into our memories. We'll never forget because we can't.
Eric and I were stationed in Ft. Drum, New York which is about 8 hours from New York City. I was working in a before and after school child care program. I worked from 6-8 in the mornings and usually made it home around 8:15-8:30. As I walked into the door I saw Eric sitting on the far left side of the large couch lacing his left boot. He was still. Just holding his laces in his hands. When I saw what he was seeing on TV I was confused at first. He quickly filled me in, tied his boot, kissed me good-bye and left for work faster than I had ever seen him go.
I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with John. All day my phone rang with friends and family who worried for us. I didn't go to work that afternoon. I was too tired. My stomache was upset. Eric would come home for spurts and have to leave again. I knew this would affect us but I didn't know how. His unit was already deployed to Kosovo so I knew there was no possibility of him being deployed....so I thought.
He came home late that afternoon and gave me the news that several of the men from the deployed units have been put on a list to go to The City to help with rescue efforts. It was like being in a dream. I remember helping him pack his bags and trying not to cry. If he were to be called, there would be no long good-bye. No "one more dinner" or "one more dance". That was it. At any moment he would be gone and I knew....I KNEW that he would never be the same person when he returned....if he returned.
At that point in our lives, we were not following God. We didn't go to church, we certainly didn't pray or read our Bibles. But we both have good, God-fearing families who, I know, covered us in prayer. And their prayers of protection were answered.
Eric never got called to leave. He was upset. Every soldier on that base was chomping at the bits to get their hands dirty. He wanted to do his part so I understand his frustration. However, as a new mom-to-be and a new wife I was so happy and relieved.
We found out that his name was the 5th one on the list and that only the first 4 men were called from that particular list. Now you tell me that isn't an act of God!
Every year I thank my God who wrapped his arms tight around my family and protected us. I wonder about friends who we haven't seen or heard of in years. I cry. I watch TV footage. I educate the kids. I get angry. I mourn. It is a sad time.
My tears began yesterday...several times. I didn't want to get up today. But I did. I don't want to go to work. But I will. I didn't want to work out. But I did. What I really, really, REALLY would love to do is lay in bed and shut the world completely off for just one day. But I won't.
The world didn't end 11 years ago. For our family, it kind of began. And although my heart breaks and I fight back tears just writing this, I refuse to let the sadness get me down. I refuse to give them victory over me. I will get up and I will choose to be happy. I will turn off my TV, I will limit my facebook time, I will surround myself with friends and appreciate my time with my family. I will continue to pray for our soldier friends and for all the first responders who put their lives on the line everyday. I will wonder about some who we haven't heard from. I will cry over the "what-ifs" and I will be thankful that they didn't happen. But most of all I will get up and I will continue to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Garden of Good and Evil
Today began as no other. I reached over to turn off the alarm and rose with a nice, solid stretch and a smile on my face. I hopped in and out of the shower with a dash and was ready for work in a matter of 15 minutes. My dandy organizational skills and willingness to plan ahead by preparing everything I need for the morning the night before helped to make my morning worry-free. I ate a healthy breakfast, watched the morning news, fed the dogs, spent quality time in the Word and prayer with the Lord and with one more quick look in the mirror I was off to start my day.
HA!
Boy, wouldn't THAT be nice! Lets take a look at reality: I hit my alarm 3 times. I finally rolled out of bed, almost falling into the wall. I took 2 Tylenol to relieve the pain and stiffness in my neck. Took a bath because, quite frankly, I was too tired to stand to take a shower. Looked 3 times for the pants I thought I had prepared the night before just to find them exactly where I thought I had put them. I spent 5 minutes digging for a matching pair of socks, then decided, eh, who looks at my socks anyways. I attempted to catch the weather as I was dashing back and forth from the living room to the bathroom to put on my make up. I couldn't find a clean work shirt so I opted to wear a casual button up shirt that, of course, needed to be ironed. Threw the dog outside, spent 2 minutes frantically searching for my keys, realized I missed the weather and couldn't find the belt I like to wear. Got in my car, buckled up and....crap, I forgot to eat. Oh well, and we're off.
By 8:30 I had finished my morning bus run and come home to get into a heated argument with my husband. Now, normally, I would just presume that I am right and he is wrong and that's what makes the world turn rather perfectly. However, in this case, there was NO presuming. I was right and that was that. So there.....HUMPH.
The argument didn't solve anything. In fact, a seed had been planted in my heart. The planter was none other, than Satan himself. He started with one little magic seed, Pride, and it very quickly grew like a weed. Within 30 minutes the Pride weed had grown roots and these roots were creating Resentment, Jealousy, Envy, Self-Righteousness and Anger. Our conversation ended with our great results. I tried to pull the roots but a voice in the back of my head kept whispering reminders of the argument and no matter how many times I attempted to pull those thoughts from my mind they kept coming back.
By now it was 1 in the afternoon. I was tired. I hadn't eaten lunch nor had I taken my daily cat nap. I was too busy being angry that I couldn't focus on what I needed for myself. I didn't get anyting accomplished that I had hoped to get accomplished. And then it hit me.
"No wonder I can't pull these weeds", I thought. "I haven't prayed at all today."
On any normal day I spend about 10 minutes reading a small passage of scripture and I make a point to get down on my knees and speak to my Holy Savior before I leave the house. By 1 in the afternoon I've prayed at least 2 or 3 times....sometimes more. But not this day. Today I left the house vulnerable to the Enemy.
I haven't met one gardener who throws seeds in the dirt, dusts off his hands and says "Well, I guess we'll see what happens". No! They get down on their knees and work the soil. Their hands get dirty every single day. They slave in the beating sun and work up a heavy sweat. They water and fertilize the seeds and pull the weeds as often as it takes. A garden takes time and patience and consistancy. All too often we forget how precious we are to God's emmaculate garden but in order for us to flourish we have to work everyday on our relationship with Him. It's more than just going to church. It's a consitant, daily routine of reading the Word and actually talking to God.
So, I prayed. Several minutes after my prayer I realized I was still angry. Those roots were still there and still growing. I decide that it was just going to be a bad day. Everybody has a moody day, right? Why can't I? And that was that. I had made the concious decision to be in a bad mood. So I allowed the weeds to start growing again. Now I'm driving my bus and just dwelling on my Self - Pity.
Then God started knocking on my heard-headed self. He said "I am the light! How can you be my Light if you're letting the darkness of the Enemy rule your heart?" I prayed again...this time a little less self righteous. This time, I made it a little more of an honest prayer. This time I didn't pray for my husband, but for myself. About that time I was sitting at a traffic light, still slightly moody. I must have had a 'stone face' look about me because the guy in the diesel truck next to me honked to get my attention. I thought "Great, now I'm stuck next to a creeper. What else can go wrong today?" I turned to him and he leaned up as much as he could in his truck and turned towards me so I could read his shirt. It said: "I don't have A.D.D....oh Look! A squirrel!" Now, I have heard that 'joke' a thousand times but for some reason this time it was hilarious. I caught myself laughing, genuinely laughing, for the first time all day long. The light turned green and I went my way as he went his and I realized that God had just sent this goofy man to do something weird to change my entire attitude. And I was immediately blessed because God knew exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.
Althought I still had Satan's roots planted I decided I wasn't going to be full of Pride, Resentment, Self-Righeousness, Self-Pity and Anger. God is good and anything that is not good is not of Him. So I began to sing:
I sang over and over and over until the weeds started to fall away one by one. Within a matter of minutes I was back to my old self. Smiling and laughing and enjoying my time with those I'm surrounded with. I was able to visit with co-workers and bless a homeless man with the $6 in my wallet. I visited with my brother & sister in law then I came home to enjoy some time with my kids with a movie and cuddles on the couch. None of those things might've happened if I hadn't decided to allow God to pull the weeds of my heart.
Here's what I learned today:
1.) No matter how 'hokey' or how 'religious weirdiness' it might sound, we DO fight a battle everyday. Satan wants us just as much as God does and I have to make that decision to live in the Light and actually DO what God wants me to do every single day.
2.) Just because I'm right in my point, doesn't make me right in my attitude.
3.) I have a husband who is on my team. No matter what. He is willing to give up things if it means making me happy. (Because we all know "if mama ain't happy......")
4.) No matter what anybody says or does or how anybody makes me feel (whether it is on purpose or not) it is my job, my duty and my responsibility to control my attitude.
5.) If I decide to have a 'moody day' then others miss the opportunity to see Jesus' Light...and that's just not fair.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
HA!
Boy, wouldn't THAT be nice! Lets take a look at reality: I hit my alarm 3 times. I finally rolled out of bed, almost falling into the wall. I took 2 Tylenol to relieve the pain and stiffness in my neck. Took a bath because, quite frankly, I was too tired to stand to take a shower. Looked 3 times for the pants I thought I had prepared the night before just to find them exactly where I thought I had put them. I spent 5 minutes digging for a matching pair of socks, then decided, eh, who looks at my socks anyways. I attempted to catch the weather as I was dashing back and forth from the living room to the bathroom to put on my make up. I couldn't find a clean work shirt so I opted to wear a casual button up shirt that, of course, needed to be ironed. Threw the dog outside, spent 2 minutes frantically searching for my keys, realized I missed the weather and couldn't find the belt I like to wear. Got in my car, buckled up and....crap, I forgot to eat. Oh well, and we're off.
By 8:30 I had finished my morning bus run and come home to get into a heated argument with my husband. Now, normally, I would just presume that I am right and he is wrong and that's what makes the world turn rather perfectly. However, in this case, there was NO presuming. I was right and that was that. So there.....HUMPH.
The argument didn't solve anything. In fact, a seed had been planted in my heart. The planter was none other, than Satan himself. He started with one little magic seed, Pride, and it very quickly grew like a weed. Within 30 minutes the Pride weed had grown roots and these roots were creating Resentment, Jealousy, Envy, Self-Righteousness and Anger. Our conversation ended with our great results. I tried to pull the roots but a voice in the back of my head kept whispering reminders of the argument and no matter how many times I attempted to pull those thoughts from my mind they kept coming back.
By now it was 1 in the afternoon. I was tired. I hadn't eaten lunch nor had I taken my daily cat nap. I was too busy being angry that I couldn't focus on what I needed for myself. I didn't get anyting accomplished that I had hoped to get accomplished. And then it hit me.
"No wonder I can't pull these weeds", I thought. "I haven't prayed at all today."
On any normal day I spend about 10 minutes reading a small passage of scripture and I make a point to get down on my knees and speak to my Holy Savior before I leave the house. By 1 in the afternoon I've prayed at least 2 or 3 times....sometimes more. But not this day. Today I left the house vulnerable to the Enemy.
I haven't met one gardener who throws seeds in the dirt, dusts off his hands and says "Well, I guess we'll see what happens". No! They get down on their knees and work the soil. Their hands get dirty every single day. They slave in the beating sun and work up a heavy sweat. They water and fertilize the seeds and pull the weeds as often as it takes. A garden takes time and patience and consistancy. All too often we forget how precious we are to God's emmaculate garden but in order for us to flourish we have to work everyday on our relationship with Him. It's more than just going to church. It's a consitant, daily routine of reading the Word and actually talking to God.
So, I prayed. Several minutes after my prayer I realized I was still angry. Those roots were still there and still growing. I decide that it was just going to be a bad day. Everybody has a moody day, right? Why can't I? And that was that. I had made the concious decision to be in a bad mood. So I allowed the weeds to start growing again. Now I'm driving my bus and just dwelling on my Self - Pity.
Then God started knocking on my heard-headed self. He said "I am the light! How can you be my Light if you're letting the darkness of the Enemy rule your heart?" I prayed again...this time a little less self righteous. This time, I made it a little more of an honest prayer. This time I didn't pray for my husband, but for myself. About that time I was sitting at a traffic light, still slightly moody. I must have had a 'stone face' look about me because the guy in the diesel truck next to me honked to get my attention. I thought "Great, now I'm stuck next to a creeper. What else can go wrong today?" I turned to him and he leaned up as much as he could in his truck and turned towards me so I could read his shirt. It said: "I don't have A.D.D....oh Look! A squirrel!" Now, I have heard that 'joke' a thousand times but for some reason this time it was hilarious. I caught myself laughing, genuinely laughing, for the first time all day long. The light turned green and I went my way as he went his and I realized that God had just sent this goofy man to do something weird to change my entire attitude. And I was immediately blessed because God knew exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.
Althought I still had Satan's roots planted I decided I wasn't going to be full of Pride, Resentment, Self-Righeousness, Self-Pity and Anger. God is good and anything that is not good is not of Him. So I began to sing:
I've got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart
I've got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart to Stay!
I sang over and over and over until the weeds started to fall away one by one. Within a matter of minutes I was back to my old self. Smiling and laughing and enjoying my time with those I'm surrounded with. I was able to visit with co-workers and bless a homeless man with the $6 in my wallet. I visited with my brother & sister in law then I came home to enjoy some time with my kids with a movie and cuddles on the couch. None of those things might've happened if I hadn't decided to allow God to pull the weeds of my heart.
Here's what I learned today:
1.) No matter how 'hokey' or how 'religious weirdiness' it might sound, we DO fight a battle everyday. Satan wants us just as much as God does and I have to make that decision to live in the Light and actually DO what God wants me to do every single day.
2.) Just because I'm right in my point, doesn't make me right in my attitude.
3.) I have a husband who is on my team. No matter what. He is willing to give up things if it means making me happy. (Because we all know "if mama ain't happy......")
4.) No matter what anybody says or does or how anybody makes me feel (whether it is on purpose or not) it is my job, my duty and my responsibility to control my attitude.
5.) If I decide to have a 'moody day' then others miss the opportunity to see Jesus' Light...and that's just not fair.
Psalm 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
God has allowed many people to come and go in my life. These people have impacted me in such a way that it has molded me into the person I am today. One of these men in my life that God has blessed me with is my husband.
I have heard many, many, MANY stories of his childhood from his family and from him. Most of the stories are full of negative words and most of them end up in how much trouble he was in. I know that there are children who face worse things than what he dealt with, but that doesn't mean that what he went through wasn't hard. For more than a decade he struggled with anger due to issues from his childhood. And then the anger would increase everytime he had to hear "that happend so long ago, you need to let it go."
As soon as he could, he joined the military. But the anger followed him. He tried to ignore the issues that bothered him but when the memories came back, they would come back in full force and his anger would be out of control.
Over the past 10 years I have watched him transform into a completely different person. Now, he is 33 years old. He has looked the face of Anger in the eyes and fought back....and has won. God has placed special people in his life to help him to learn to forgive. And once he learned to fogive, pieces of the anger that surrounded his heart began to chip away. It took years, but his heart is full of joy and peace.
Yes, he is still opinionated, over-bearing, and gruff. But that is his make-up. He was specially hand-crafted by God himself. Who knows, maybe one day he'll make a good politician. But for now, he is simply a great man. One of his great fears was not being a good father, and that in itself makes him a better father than even he could ever imagine.
On December 16, 2011 we will mark our 11 year wedding anniversary. Each anniversary that comes around reminds me of how special our marriage is and how hard we have worked to keep it going strong.
From now on, Eric, I promise to focus on who you are now, and not who you were then. You have definately earned it.
I have heard many, many, MANY stories of his childhood from his family and from him. Most of the stories are full of negative words and most of them end up in how much trouble he was in. I know that there are children who face worse things than what he dealt with, but that doesn't mean that what he went through wasn't hard. For more than a decade he struggled with anger due to issues from his childhood. And then the anger would increase everytime he had to hear "that happend so long ago, you need to let it go."
As soon as he could, he joined the military. But the anger followed him. He tried to ignore the issues that bothered him but when the memories came back, they would come back in full force and his anger would be out of control.
Over the past 10 years I have watched him transform into a completely different person. Now, he is 33 years old. He has looked the face of Anger in the eyes and fought back....and has won. God has placed special people in his life to help him to learn to forgive. And once he learned to fogive, pieces of the anger that surrounded his heart began to chip away. It took years, but his heart is full of joy and peace.
Yes, he is still opinionated, over-bearing, and gruff. But that is his make-up. He was specially hand-crafted by God himself. Who knows, maybe one day he'll make a good politician. But for now, he is simply a great man. One of his great fears was not being a good father, and that in itself makes him a better father than even he could ever imagine.
On December 16, 2011 we will mark our 11 year wedding anniversary. Each anniversary that comes around reminds me of how special our marriage is and how hard we have worked to keep it going strong.
From now on, Eric, I promise to focus on who you are now, and not who you were then. You have definately earned it.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Will you say YES to those God puts in your path?
Steph, a young mother of a sweet, 5 year old little girl kisses her daughter goodnight and tucks her in with her favorite pink blanket. She brushes the mangled hair away from her daughter's face and gives her a big re-assuring smile just as her daughter closes her eyes for the night. Tears begin to well up in Steph's eyes at the realization of what her life has come to. She closes the door as quietly as she can.
As she slowly slides down to the ground she begins to weep. She cries harder and louder and longer than she's ever cried before. Longing for the arms of the man who left her alone a month ago becomes stronger in this moment. He hasn't contacted her or tried to help her out since the day he walked away. Her heart is broken and heavy. It's a physical feeling deep down inside her chest that even causes breathing to be difficult.
He left without paying the rent and the landlord has been breathing down her neck for the past two weeks. Finally, he had had enough and gave her until the end of the day to get what little she owned out. She feels so rejected but even more she feels her daughter has been rejected. The hurt is unbearable. "Why wouldn't anybody let this little girl stay just one more night?" she thinks to herself.
It seems like everytime she turns around her luck runs out more than she expected that it could. The gas tank was too low to get to work again so she lost her job 3 days ago. All of her cell phone minutes were used trying to find work and a place to stay. She used her last 3 minutes to call a friend for a place to stay tonight. This friend was a Christian friend so she was so hopeful that her daughter would have shelter for one more night. But, as luck would have it, her friend said no.
So Steph sits alone with no job, no food, no gas, no cell phone, and no shelter. She was so sure that her friend would have let her stay the night. Anger and betrayl builds in her heart. "So much for those Christians" she thinks to herself.
Her eyes begin to sting. Exaustion has set in. Her body hurts from the bottom of her feet to the temples of her head from having to walk from place to place. She has never in her life been more tired. Tired of trying. Tired of running. Tired of going on being a failure. She wipes her tears and stands up. She opens the car door and curls up in the passenger seat and closes her eyes and hopes, maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be better.
As she slowly slides down to the ground she begins to weep. She cries harder and louder and longer than she's ever cried before. Longing for the arms of the man who left her alone a month ago becomes stronger in this moment. He hasn't contacted her or tried to help her out since the day he walked away. Her heart is broken and heavy. It's a physical feeling deep down inside her chest that even causes breathing to be difficult.
He left without paying the rent and the landlord has been breathing down her neck for the past two weeks. Finally, he had had enough and gave her until the end of the day to get what little she owned out. She feels so rejected but even more she feels her daughter has been rejected. The hurt is unbearable. "Why wouldn't anybody let this little girl stay just one more night?" she thinks to herself.
It seems like everytime she turns around her luck runs out more than she expected that it could. The gas tank was too low to get to work again so she lost her job 3 days ago. All of her cell phone minutes were used trying to find work and a place to stay. She used her last 3 minutes to call a friend for a place to stay tonight. This friend was a Christian friend so she was so hopeful that her daughter would have shelter for one more night. But, as luck would have it, her friend said no.
So Steph sits alone with no job, no food, no gas, no cell phone, and no shelter. She was so sure that her friend would have let her stay the night. Anger and betrayl builds in her heart. "So much for those Christians" she thinks to herself.
Her eyes begin to sting. Exaustion has set in. Her body hurts from the bottom of her feet to the temples of her head from having to walk from place to place. She has never in her life been more tired. Tired of trying. Tired of running. Tired of going on being a failure. She wipes her tears and stands up. She opens the car door and curls up in the passenger seat and closes her eyes and hopes, maybe, just maybe tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
New Perspectives
At an early age I began to worry about aging. The idea of wrinkles, gray hair and an aching body have driven me to buy countless products & to try many "look younger" tricks. I have been so afraid of turning 30. It still sounds so old! For the past decade I have looked at it as a door closing. My 20s are over. I have dwelt on all the things I wish I had done and all of the things that I had convinced myself that I'm 'too old' to do. These negative thoughts have plagued my mind for far too long. I was beginning to get depressed.
God sat me down the other day & flipped my entire idea of aging upside-down. The only alterative to not turning 30 would be death. Death would mean that I would miss my children's laughs, hugs & kisses, birthday parties, first dates, proms, weddings....well, you get the idea. I would miss more anniversaries with my husband, laughs on top of the ferris wheel, late night TV marathons in bed, New Year's kisses, & flowers on the dining room table. Time has bound us closer and closer together. We have memories that we will share many years from now.
The lines forming on my face are from the laughter I get from my family every day. So give me more. The gray hair comes from the countless sleepless nights tending to sick children, working for a living, and struggling to make it one more day in this world. So what? Without these things, my life would be sad and lonely.
God sat me down the other day & flipped my entire idea of aging upside-down. The only alterative to not turning 30 would be death. Death would mean that I would miss my children's laughs, hugs & kisses, birthday parties, first dates, proms, weddings....well, you get the idea. I would miss more anniversaries with my husband, laughs on top of the ferris wheel, late night TV marathons in bed, New Year's kisses, & flowers on the dining room table. Time has bound us closer and closer together. We have memories that we will share many years from now.
The lines forming on my face are from the laughter I get from my family every day. So give me more. The gray hair comes from the countless sleepless nights tending to sick children, working for a living, and struggling to make it one more day in this world. So what? Without these things, my life would be sad and lonely.
I'm looking 30 dead in the eyes and I am no longer afraid. I am ready to live the rest of my life.
So I say to you, body, bring on the gray hair & wrinkles.
AND BRING ON 30!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Taking the Bull By The Horns
I'm a late-twenties, blue-collar, living-paycheck-to-paycheck, married, mother-of-three. Life is hard. Money does not come easy. If it did, our America would be a heck of a lot different.
I am blessed that I don't know what it's like to be homeless or to live on disability. I don't know what it's like to have to skip a bill to pay the groceries. I don't know what it's like to be without a vehicle. Most would say that I am blessed and I would agree. I have a family to thank for some of these things.
Here's what I do know: I know that no matter what the circumstance maybe in your life, that there is a way to help yourself out. Don't have a car? Call a cab, get a bike, take a bus, WALK. Don't have enough money? Get a second job, change your current job, use your hobbies to make an income, government funding. Struggling in your marriage? Go to counceling, talk it out, divorce. (not something I encourage, but it is an option).
Am I a cold-hearted, self-righteous, careless human being? Absoltely not! I love to be a servant of God. I love knowing that giving my time, money, advice, and sometimes even groceries from my own fridge has helped a person in need. I encourage my children to give and to be compassionate to those who may not have as much as we do.
But when you are in a bind, and you have been given advice and monetary help and other things from friends and family and your situation hasn't changed then maybe it's time for you to take the bull by the horns and turn things around on your own. Don't depend on others to fix a problem that you are not willing to fix yourself. The only person that is truly capable of changing your situation is you.
I am blessed that I don't know what it's like to be homeless or to live on disability. I don't know what it's like to have to skip a bill to pay the groceries. I don't know what it's like to be without a vehicle. Most would say that I am blessed and I would agree. I have a family to thank for some of these things.
Here's what I do know: I know that no matter what the circumstance maybe in your life, that there is a way to help yourself out. Don't have a car? Call a cab, get a bike, take a bus, WALK. Don't have enough money? Get a second job, change your current job, use your hobbies to make an income, government funding. Struggling in your marriage? Go to counceling, talk it out, divorce. (not something I encourage, but it is an option).
Am I a cold-hearted, self-righteous, careless human being? Absoltely not! I love to be a servant of God. I love knowing that giving my time, money, advice, and sometimes even groceries from my own fridge has helped a person in need. I encourage my children to give and to be compassionate to those who may not have as much as we do.
But when you are in a bind, and you have been given advice and monetary help and other things from friends and family and your situation hasn't changed then maybe it's time for you to take the bull by the horns and turn things around on your own. Don't depend on others to fix a problem that you are not willing to fix yourself. The only person that is truly capable of changing your situation is you.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Hillbilly Angels
It was coming. One of the most destructive hurricanes predicted to hit Houston in years. As information flooded throughout the airwaves panic hit the people. My husband and I had only been married for a little over 3 years. We had 2 children, John was 3, Allie was 2 and I was 7 months pregnant with Travis. Our loyal chocolate lab, Parker, was 4 years old.
The plan was to spend the day packing and preparing so we could leave before dawn the next morning for a 2 & 1/2 hour drive to Pollok,TX to stay with my parents. Many people had already evacuated and the latest news was not only that the hurricane was 5 days away, but that the traffic was horrific. Hurricane Rita was right on the heels or hurricane Katrina that had hit Louisianna and caused massive destruction and many deaths. Rumors spread that Rita (a category 5 hurricane) was to cause just as much damage and destruction to Texas as Katrina did to Louisianna.
Eric is an Army veteran and has been trained on how to survive in circumstances such as these. He planned for everything. He hooked up the boat to our SUV so we could travel with more supplies. He packed several ice chests including one that was electric and would keep food warm, a travel propane grill, most of our clothing, 50 gallons of gasoline, tools in case we broke down, first aid kits, wind up flashlights, flares, spare tires, and many, many more necessary essentials. Most of the things he packed would've never crossed my mind. It's times like these that make me grateful for his rather impulsive peronality.
My little 4-door Plymoth Neon carried all the baby supplies (playpen, diaper bags, extra clothes, toys, car seats, etc.) We were more prepared for a nuclear war than we were a hurricane. Eric boarded the windows to our house with help from some family members and I took care of preparing the inside of the house (moving items to high shelves, cleaning out the freezers, laundry, ect). Eric & I exchanged phone numbers with some of our neighbors and we all wished each other good luck and safe travels. We went inside and watched the weather one last time and went to bed. I lay awake that night wondering if I had prepared enough. Did the kids have everything? Have I secured my pictures and personal mementos high enough to avoid flood waters? Will our neighbors be safe? Will I ever see them again? Will our house be here when we get back? Will this be the last time I sleep in my bed? Will our insurance cover everything? You name it, I worried about it.
As planned, Eric & I were up at 3 AM the next morning and on the road in less than thirty minutes. Eric pulled the boat and Parker rode happily at his side. I traveled with both of the kids in my car and followed. We drove for a good 20 minutes thinking that we had missed all of the outbound traffic, but by the time we hit Baytown, I was proven to be very wrong. John was awake and noticed all of the tail lights for as far as our eyes could see. My mouth opened in shock at the vast amount of traffic but my innocent little boy saw the beauty in the colors. He said "Look, mommy, it looks just like Christmas". A smile crossed my face and I knew that God was there with us and using the words of my little boy to calm my nerves and lift my spirits.
Hours had gone by and we had traveled bumper to bumper in traffic since Baytown and we were nowhere close to our destination. It was hot. None of the convenient stores or restaurants were open. Our cell phones didn't work because of the amount of people on them was clogging up the servers. And our speed hadn't reached over 30 mph since the beginning of our journey.
It was early morning, around 8 am,when John needed his first potty break. He was potty training at the time and I hated to tell him to go in his pull-up after we had made so much progress with him. My bladder was full as well and was causing me to be very uncomfortable. Not to mention, Travis's summer-saults were not helping matters much. We came to a complete stop in traffic for several minutes. I got out and asked Eric to watch Allie while John and I walked over to the bushes. Luckily, there was very tall and thick brush on this stretch of road. This was the first time John had gone to the restroom on a tree. As excited as he was I was not all that keen on having to squat while 7 months pregnant, watch for on-lookers and supervize a 3 year old. Nevertheless, I managed. When we were done, John skipped out of the brush and announced to all of those standing outside of their cars that we had tee-teed in the jungle. I felt my face turn several shades of red but I'm certain that many of those people, including myself, needed a good laugh.
Lunchtime came and we found an empty convenient store to park our small convoy. We had been in the car for over 8 hours and we hadn't even made it half way to Pollok. My back was hurting, legs were cramping, ankles were swelling and shoulders were stiff. Allie had been screaming to get out of her car seat for over an hour. We desperately needed the stop. Our lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the back of the boat. I prepared our sandwiches using Eric's pocket knife because of all the things we packed, we didn't think to pack plastic ware. This picnic has always been one of my favorite memories. We were so glad to be out of the car and in each others company that the long trek ahead didn't seem to bother anybody. The kids were happy, the sun was shining and I was completely calm knowing that we were in good hands with Eric and, of course, with God the Father.
After about 30 minutes, we got back on the road. Several more hours went by. Traffic had been deadlocked many times so we made sure we were walking and stretching when we could. And of course, we made more tips to the "jungle". Traffic was moving so slow that I was able to take the kids out of the car seats to keep their backs from getting sweaty. This seemed to help in stopping Allie's fits.
More time had past. By now we had traveled for 13 hours and Eric had finally reached his breaking point. Luckily, we were now able to get cell phone service so he called his dad, Dennis. Dennis had an atlas that consited of only the back roads in Texas. Dennis was able to direct Eric onto some very hidden dirt roads and out of the way of traffic. Once we got to the first dirt road we were completely alone. There were no cars in sight. We caught a new sense of determination. Excitement moved us now. It was the first time our vehicles had reached the 60 MPH mark.
It was getting close to dark. The kids were back in their car seats and were napping. It had been a long day for all of us and I did not mind their late nap. I was tired. No, exausted. My body hurt. My feet were swelling. My mind was frazzled and Travis's back flips were not making this easy. But we pushed on. By this time all I could think about was just making it home to my mama and daddy.
We went from one back road to another as the sun continued to set. Finally, we reached one particular dirt road that was buried with a thick canopy. It was dark. Partly because of the setting sun and partly because of the heavy brush. The first thing that went through my mind when we turned onto this road was "Great, this is the kind of place where people get chopped up and eaten by the local weirdos and go missing forever." My love for horror movies and dramatic thinking did not help things one bit. I allowed my mind to go away from knowing I was safe with God and stray toward thoughts of the world. Serial killers, rapists, wild animals....more and more worry set in as our cars crept onto this road. I have always been very aware of my surroundings. I looked as deep into the brush as I could, but it was pitch black. I could hear the brush scraping the car and the rocks rolling under my tires but other than that, it was eerily silent.
Eric got excited and sped up. Dust began to blanket the air. I tried catching up with him but I was afraid the bumps and dips would wake up the kids. In minutes I lost his tail lights. My cell phone was dead. I was frightened. My stomach began to tighten with contractions. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Tears began to fill my eyes. The stress of the day was catching up to me. I was finally breaking. I pulled the car over and scolded myself for being so weak when I needed to be focused. I took a deep breath and continued on. After all, the road was straight and I would meet him at the end.
I drove a few more minutes and came to a fork in the road. Panic began to set in. I knew I needed to concentrate and think straight but I couldn't focus. I couldn't see much outside of my bright lights. I stopped to look at my surroundings. We were now in the middle of the woods and it was very, very dark. I looked for dust hovering over each road to see which way he had gone, but I was so far behind that it had already settled. The realization that I was completely alone, litterally, in the middle of nowhere hit me hard. I began to cry. I cried many, many quiet tears trying my best not to wake the kids. It made things worse. I couldn't see anything now. My head was spinning. The car seemed smaller. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. My stomache became tighter. I just wanted out. I had never in my life felt so completely helpless. Weak. Vulnerable. Alone.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, head lights shone in my rear view mirror. I turned around to see a very old Chevy pick up truck with wooden planks built on the sides of the bed as a make-shift barrier. There they were....the local canibals here to eat me and my children. I began to panic. The truck got closer. "What do I do?!" I thought to myself. In the cab I could make out at least 3 people and in the bed of the truck stood at least 4 or 5 men. My mind got the best of me. The sleepiness and exhaustion had set in. I was convinced that I was in danger. We were going to die. I reacted. I pressed on the gas as hard as I could and spun out. I reached 40 mph down this dark little road. My heart raced and tears flowed from my eyes. Where was Eric? Why did he leave us? Anger and betrayal crept in but more than that was the desire for his presence. Small rocks shot out from under my tires, some hittng the windshield, and the bumps and dips shook the car. Dust blew all around me and both of the kids woke up. Allie began to cry...and then John. I knew I would be safe if I just had Eric there! I had many mixed emotions and I couldn't contain them any longer. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care that the kids werecrying, I didn't care if I damaged the car, I didn't care that my stomache was tightening. Nothing mattered and nothing else was more important than getting out of there and finding Eric. I was sobbing now.
Just then, in the distance I saw headlights. I could make out a silhouette of a boat. It was Eric. He had stopped on the side of the road. I saw him standing next to the truck waiting on me to catch up. I slamed on my breaks and fishtaled my car until I came to a stop next to the truck. My car skidded a couple of feet. I threw the door open and jumped out of the car not sure if I was going to hug him or slap him. He threw his arms around me and through sobs I began to tell him about being separated and the truck and the strange hillbillies. He stroked my hair back and, as always, managed to talk me out of my frenzy and got me breathing at a semi-normal rate.
And as luck would have it, the hillbillies drove up. Eric and I walked back over to the car together. I was glued to his side. The truck met us on the road and one of the men in the back yelled out from the bed of the truck asking if we were ok. Eric waved them over. I wasn't petrified anymore but still a little nervous. As they pulled up, the person in the passenger seat leaned over her window and said "Oh, Lordy, I just knew we had scared that poor girl." (I would've never known she was a woman had I not heard her voice.) Everyone of them were wearing overalls and some sort of cowboy hat. They never left their truck but they turned to be very kind. I call them my angels. I believe they had been sent by God to look out for us.
They introduced themselves. I don't remember any of their names except that one of them was called "Rooster." The lady noticed the kids in the car and how pregnant I was and just felt awful about scaring me like they did. As it turned out, they lived aroud the area and had been running the roads all day and night helping those who had been stuck in the traffic. I felt like a fool. We thanked them for looking out for us and I apologized for my over-reaction.
We got back into our cars and we were on our way again. It took us a couple of hours but the back-road atlas managed to get us safely to my mom and dad's house. I had never been so grateful to be back home and in the presence of my family in my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson that day. God is always with me and is always trying to help me out of sticky situations. His messages are always pretty clear, but it's up to me if I want to hear them or not.
I will never forget what I went through the day I met my hillbilly angels. I know I will never see them again but that I will always remember,and be grateful, for their kindness and willingness to come to my aide despite the fact that I was a complete stranger. And since then I have been more aware of those around me and have made myself available to be used by God to help those in need. And, I should add, since then I have cut out all horror movies!
The plan was to spend the day packing and preparing so we could leave before dawn the next morning for a 2 & 1/2 hour drive to Pollok,TX to stay with my parents. Many people had already evacuated and the latest news was not only that the hurricane was 5 days away, but that the traffic was horrific. Hurricane Rita was right on the heels or hurricane Katrina that had hit Louisianna and caused massive destruction and many deaths. Rumors spread that Rita (a category 5 hurricane) was to cause just as much damage and destruction to Texas as Katrina did to Louisianna.
Eric is an Army veteran and has been trained on how to survive in circumstances such as these. He planned for everything. He hooked up the boat to our SUV so we could travel with more supplies. He packed several ice chests including one that was electric and would keep food warm, a travel propane grill, most of our clothing, 50 gallons of gasoline, tools in case we broke down, first aid kits, wind up flashlights, flares, spare tires, and many, many more necessary essentials. Most of the things he packed would've never crossed my mind. It's times like these that make me grateful for his rather impulsive peronality.
My little 4-door Plymoth Neon carried all the baby supplies (playpen, diaper bags, extra clothes, toys, car seats, etc.) We were more prepared for a nuclear war than we were a hurricane. Eric boarded the windows to our house with help from some family members and I took care of preparing the inside of the house (moving items to high shelves, cleaning out the freezers, laundry, ect). Eric & I exchanged phone numbers with some of our neighbors and we all wished each other good luck and safe travels. We went inside and watched the weather one last time and went to bed. I lay awake that night wondering if I had prepared enough. Did the kids have everything? Have I secured my pictures and personal mementos high enough to avoid flood waters? Will our neighbors be safe? Will I ever see them again? Will our house be here when we get back? Will this be the last time I sleep in my bed? Will our insurance cover everything? You name it, I worried about it.
As planned, Eric & I were up at 3 AM the next morning and on the road in less than thirty minutes. Eric pulled the boat and Parker rode happily at his side. I traveled with both of the kids in my car and followed. We drove for a good 20 minutes thinking that we had missed all of the outbound traffic, but by the time we hit Baytown, I was proven to be very wrong. John was awake and noticed all of the tail lights for as far as our eyes could see. My mouth opened in shock at the vast amount of traffic but my innocent little boy saw the beauty in the colors. He said "Look, mommy, it looks just like Christmas". A smile crossed my face and I knew that God was there with us and using the words of my little boy to calm my nerves and lift my spirits.
Hours had gone by and we had traveled bumper to bumper in traffic since Baytown and we were nowhere close to our destination. It was hot. None of the convenient stores or restaurants were open. Our cell phones didn't work because of the amount of people on them was clogging up the servers. And our speed hadn't reached over 30 mph since the beginning of our journey.
It was early morning, around 8 am,when John needed his first potty break. He was potty training at the time and I hated to tell him to go in his pull-up after we had made so much progress with him. My bladder was full as well and was causing me to be very uncomfortable. Not to mention, Travis's summer-saults were not helping matters much. We came to a complete stop in traffic for several minutes. I got out and asked Eric to watch Allie while John and I walked over to the bushes. Luckily, there was very tall and thick brush on this stretch of road. This was the first time John had gone to the restroom on a tree. As excited as he was I was not all that keen on having to squat while 7 months pregnant, watch for on-lookers and supervize a 3 year old. Nevertheless, I managed. When we were done, John skipped out of the brush and announced to all of those standing outside of their cars that we had tee-teed in the jungle. I felt my face turn several shades of red but I'm certain that many of those people, including myself, needed a good laugh.
Lunchtime came and we found an empty convenient store to park our small convoy. We had been in the car for over 8 hours and we hadn't even made it half way to Pollok. My back was hurting, legs were cramping, ankles were swelling and shoulders were stiff. Allie had been screaming to get out of her car seat for over an hour. We desperately needed the stop. Our lunch consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the back of the boat. I prepared our sandwiches using Eric's pocket knife because of all the things we packed, we didn't think to pack plastic ware. This picnic has always been one of my favorite memories. We were so glad to be out of the car and in each others company that the long trek ahead didn't seem to bother anybody. The kids were happy, the sun was shining and I was completely calm knowing that we were in good hands with Eric and, of course, with God the Father.
After about 30 minutes, we got back on the road. Several more hours went by. Traffic had been deadlocked many times so we made sure we were walking and stretching when we could. And of course, we made more tips to the "jungle". Traffic was moving so slow that I was able to take the kids out of the car seats to keep their backs from getting sweaty. This seemed to help in stopping Allie's fits.
More time had past. By now we had traveled for 13 hours and Eric had finally reached his breaking point. Luckily, we were now able to get cell phone service so he called his dad, Dennis. Dennis had an atlas that consited of only the back roads in Texas. Dennis was able to direct Eric onto some very hidden dirt roads and out of the way of traffic. Once we got to the first dirt road we were completely alone. There were no cars in sight. We caught a new sense of determination. Excitement moved us now. It was the first time our vehicles had reached the 60 MPH mark.
It was getting close to dark. The kids were back in their car seats and were napping. It had been a long day for all of us and I did not mind their late nap. I was tired. No, exausted. My body hurt. My feet were swelling. My mind was frazzled and Travis's back flips were not making this easy. But we pushed on. By this time all I could think about was just making it home to my mama and daddy.
We went from one back road to another as the sun continued to set. Finally, we reached one particular dirt road that was buried with a thick canopy. It was dark. Partly because of the setting sun and partly because of the heavy brush. The first thing that went through my mind when we turned onto this road was "Great, this is the kind of place where people get chopped up and eaten by the local weirdos and go missing forever." My love for horror movies and dramatic thinking did not help things one bit. I allowed my mind to go away from knowing I was safe with God and stray toward thoughts of the world. Serial killers, rapists, wild animals....more and more worry set in as our cars crept onto this road. I have always been very aware of my surroundings. I looked as deep into the brush as I could, but it was pitch black. I could hear the brush scraping the car and the rocks rolling under my tires but other than that, it was eerily silent.
Eric got excited and sped up. Dust began to blanket the air. I tried catching up with him but I was afraid the bumps and dips would wake up the kids. In minutes I lost his tail lights. My cell phone was dead. I was frightened. My stomach began to tighten with contractions. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Tears began to fill my eyes. The stress of the day was catching up to me. I was finally breaking. I pulled the car over and scolded myself for being so weak when I needed to be focused. I took a deep breath and continued on. After all, the road was straight and I would meet him at the end.
I drove a few more minutes and came to a fork in the road. Panic began to set in. I knew I needed to concentrate and think straight but I couldn't focus. I couldn't see much outside of my bright lights. I stopped to look at my surroundings. We were now in the middle of the woods and it was very, very dark. I looked for dust hovering over each road to see which way he had gone, but I was so far behind that it had already settled. The realization that I was completely alone, litterally, in the middle of nowhere hit me hard. I began to cry. I cried many, many quiet tears trying my best not to wake the kids. It made things worse. I couldn't see anything now. My head was spinning. The car seemed smaller. I couldn't think. I couldn't breathe. My stomache became tighter. I just wanted out. I had never in my life felt so completely helpless. Weak. Vulnerable. Alone.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, head lights shone in my rear view mirror. I turned around to see a very old Chevy pick up truck with wooden planks built on the sides of the bed as a make-shift barrier. There they were....the local canibals here to eat me and my children. I began to panic. The truck got closer. "What do I do?!" I thought to myself. In the cab I could make out at least 3 people and in the bed of the truck stood at least 4 or 5 men. My mind got the best of me. The sleepiness and exhaustion had set in. I was convinced that I was in danger. We were going to die. I reacted. I pressed on the gas as hard as I could and spun out. I reached 40 mph down this dark little road. My heart raced and tears flowed from my eyes. Where was Eric? Why did he leave us? Anger and betrayal crept in but more than that was the desire for his presence. Small rocks shot out from under my tires, some hittng the windshield, and the bumps and dips shook the car. Dust blew all around me and both of the kids woke up. Allie began to cry...and then John. I knew I would be safe if I just had Eric there! I had many mixed emotions and I couldn't contain them any longer. I didn't care about anything. I didn't care that the kids werecrying, I didn't care if I damaged the car, I didn't care that my stomache was tightening. Nothing mattered and nothing else was more important than getting out of there and finding Eric. I was sobbing now.
Just then, in the distance I saw headlights. I could make out a silhouette of a boat. It was Eric. He had stopped on the side of the road. I saw him standing next to the truck waiting on me to catch up. I slamed on my breaks and fishtaled my car until I came to a stop next to the truck. My car skidded a couple of feet. I threw the door open and jumped out of the car not sure if I was going to hug him or slap him. He threw his arms around me and through sobs I began to tell him about being separated and the truck and the strange hillbillies. He stroked my hair back and, as always, managed to talk me out of my frenzy and got me breathing at a semi-normal rate.
And as luck would have it, the hillbillies drove up. Eric and I walked back over to the car together. I was glued to his side. The truck met us on the road and one of the men in the back yelled out from the bed of the truck asking if we were ok. Eric waved them over. I wasn't petrified anymore but still a little nervous. As they pulled up, the person in the passenger seat leaned over her window and said "Oh, Lordy, I just knew we had scared that poor girl." (I would've never known she was a woman had I not heard her voice.) Everyone of them were wearing overalls and some sort of cowboy hat. They never left their truck but they turned to be very kind. I call them my angels. I believe they had been sent by God to look out for us.
They introduced themselves. I don't remember any of their names except that one of them was called "Rooster." The lady noticed the kids in the car and how pregnant I was and just felt awful about scaring me like they did. As it turned out, they lived aroud the area and had been running the roads all day and night helping those who had been stuck in the traffic. I felt like a fool. We thanked them for looking out for us and I apologized for my over-reaction.
We got back into our cars and we were on our way again. It took us a couple of hours but the back-road atlas managed to get us safely to my mom and dad's house. I had never been so grateful to be back home and in the presence of my family in my life.
I learned a very valuable lesson that day. God is always with me and is always trying to help me out of sticky situations. His messages are always pretty clear, but it's up to me if I want to hear them or not.
I will never forget what I went through the day I met my hillbilly angels. I know I will never see them again but that I will always remember,and be grateful, for their kindness and willingness to come to my aide despite the fact that I was a complete stranger. And since then I have been more aware of those around me and have made myself available to be used by God to help those in need. And, I should add, since then I have cut out all horror movies!
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