September 11, 2001. We all remember that day as if it were yesterday. The visions of falling buildings. People covered in ash. The sounds of sirens. Panic. Screams of desperation. Confusion. Men and women falling hundreds of feet to their death. It's all there...burned into our memories. We'll never forget because we can't.
Eric and I were stationed in Ft. Drum, New York which is about 8 hours from New York City. I was working in a before and after school child care program. I worked from 6-8 in the mornings and usually made it home around 8:15-8:30. As I walked into the door I saw Eric sitting on the far left side of the large couch lacing his left boot. He was still. Just holding his laces in his hands. When I saw what he was seeing on TV I was confused at first. He quickly filled me in, tied his boot, kissed me good-bye and left for work faster than I had ever seen him go.
I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with John. All day my phone rang with friends and family who worried for us. I didn't go to work that afternoon. I was too tired. My stomache was upset. Eric would come home for spurts and have to leave again. I knew this would affect us but I didn't know how. His unit was already deployed to Kosovo so I knew there was no possibility of him being deployed....so I thought.
He came home late that afternoon and gave me the news that several of the men from the deployed units have been put on a list to go to The City to help with rescue efforts. It was like being in a dream. I remember helping him pack his bags and trying not to cry. If he were to be called, there would be no long good-bye. No "one more dinner" or "one more dance". That was it. At any moment he would be gone and I knew....I KNEW that he would never be the same person when he returned....if he returned.
At that point in our lives, we were not following God. We didn't go to church, we certainly didn't pray or read our Bibles. But we both have good, God-fearing families who, I know, covered us in prayer. And their prayers of protection were answered.
Eric never got called to leave. He was upset. Every soldier on that base was chomping at the bits to get their hands dirty. He wanted to do his part so I understand his frustration. However, as a new mom-to-be and a new wife I was so happy and relieved.
We found out that his name was the 5th one on the list and that only the first 4 men were called from that particular list. Now you tell me that isn't an act of God!
Every year I thank my God who wrapped his arms tight around my family and protected us. I wonder about friends who we haven't seen or heard of in years. I cry. I watch TV footage. I educate the kids. I get angry. I mourn. It is a sad time.
My tears began yesterday...several times. I didn't want to get up today. But I did. I don't want to go to work. But I will. I didn't want to work out. But I did. What I really, really, REALLY would love to do is lay in bed and shut the world completely off for just one day. But I won't.
The world didn't end 11 years ago. For our family, it kind of began. And although my heart breaks and I fight back tears just writing this, I refuse to let the sadness get me down. I refuse to give them victory over me. I will get up and I will choose to be happy. I will turn off my TV, I will limit my facebook time, I will surround myself with friends and appreciate my time with my family. I will continue to pray for our soldier friends and for all the first responders who put their lives on the line everyday. I will wonder about some who we haven't heard from. I will cry over the "what-ifs" and I will be thankful that they didn't happen. But most of all I will get up and I will continue to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Garden of Good and Evil
Today began as no other. I reached over to turn off the alarm and rose with a nice, solid stretch and a smile on my face. I hopped in and out of the shower with a dash and was ready for work in a matter of 15 minutes. My dandy organizational skills and willingness to plan ahead by preparing everything I need for the morning the night before helped to make my morning worry-free. I ate a healthy breakfast, watched the morning news, fed the dogs, spent quality time in the Word and prayer with the Lord and with one more quick look in the mirror I was off to start my day.
HA!
Boy, wouldn't THAT be nice! Lets take a look at reality: I hit my alarm 3 times. I finally rolled out of bed, almost falling into the wall. I took 2 Tylenol to relieve the pain and stiffness in my neck. Took a bath because, quite frankly, I was too tired to stand to take a shower. Looked 3 times for the pants I thought I had prepared the night before just to find them exactly where I thought I had put them. I spent 5 minutes digging for a matching pair of socks, then decided, eh, who looks at my socks anyways. I attempted to catch the weather as I was dashing back and forth from the living room to the bathroom to put on my make up. I couldn't find a clean work shirt so I opted to wear a casual button up shirt that, of course, needed to be ironed. Threw the dog outside, spent 2 minutes frantically searching for my keys, realized I missed the weather and couldn't find the belt I like to wear. Got in my car, buckled up and....crap, I forgot to eat. Oh well, and we're off.
By 8:30 I had finished my morning bus run and come home to get into a heated argument with my husband. Now, normally, I would just presume that I am right and he is wrong and that's what makes the world turn rather perfectly. However, in this case, there was NO presuming. I was right and that was that. So there.....HUMPH.
The argument didn't solve anything. In fact, a seed had been planted in my heart. The planter was none other, than Satan himself. He started with one little magic seed, Pride, and it very quickly grew like a weed. Within 30 minutes the Pride weed had grown roots and these roots were creating Resentment, Jealousy, Envy, Self-Righteousness and Anger. Our conversation ended with our great results. I tried to pull the roots but a voice in the back of my head kept whispering reminders of the argument and no matter how many times I attempted to pull those thoughts from my mind they kept coming back.
By now it was 1 in the afternoon. I was tired. I hadn't eaten lunch nor had I taken my daily cat nap. I was too busy being angry that I couldn't focus on what I needed for myself. I didn't get anyting accomplished that I had hoped to get accomplished. And then it hit me.
"No wonder I can't pull these weeds", I thought. "I haven't prayed at all today."
On any normal day I spend about 10 minutes reading a small passage of scripture and I make a point to get down on my knees and speak to my Holy Savior before I leave the house. By 1 in the afternoon I've prayed at least 2 or 3 times....sometimes more. But not this day. Today I left the house vulnerable to the Enemy.
I haven't met one gardener who throws seeds in the dirt, dusts off his hands and says "Well, I guess we'll see what happens". No! They get down on their knees and work the soil. Their hands get dirty every single day. They slave in the beating sun and work up a heavy sweat. They water and fertilize the seeds and pull the weeds as often as it takes. A garden takes time and patience and consistancy. All too often we forget how precious we are to God's emmaculate garden but in order for us to flourish we have to work everyday on our relationship with Him. It's more than just going to church. It's a consitant, daily routine of reading the Word and actually talking to God.
So, I prayed. Several minutes after my prayer I realized I was still angry. Those roots were still there and still growing. I decide that it was just going to be a bad day. Everybody has a moody day, right? Why can't I? And that was that. I had made the concious decision to be in a bad mood. So I allowed the weeds to start growing again. Now I'm driving my bus and just dwelling on my Self - Pity.
Then God started knocking on my heard-headed self. He said "I am the light! How can you be my Light if you're letting the darkness of the Enemy rule your heart?" I prayed again...this time a little less self righteous. This time, I made it a little more of an honest prayer. This time I didn't pray for my husband, but for myself. About that time I was sitting at a traffic light, still slightly moody. I must have had a 'stone face' look about me because the guy in the diesel truck next to me honked to get my attention. I thought "Great, now I'm stuck next to a creeper. What else can go wrong today?" I turned to him and he leaned up as much as he could in his truck and turned towards me so I could read his shirt. It said: "I don't have A.D.D....oh Look! A squirrel!" Now, I have heard that 'joke' a thousand times but for some reason this time it was hilarious. I caught myself laughing, genuinely laughing, for the first time all day long. The light turned green and I went my way as he went his and I realized that God had just sent this goofy man to do something weird to change my entire attitude. And I was immediately blessed because God knew exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.
Althought I still had Satan's roots planted I decided I wasn't going to be full of Pride, Resentment, Self-Righeousness, Self-Pity and Anger. God is good and anything that is not good is not of Him. So I began to sing:
I sang over and over and over until the weeds started to fall away one by one. Within a matter of minutes I was back to my old self. Smiling and laughing and enjoying my time with those I'm surrounded with. I was able to visit with co-workers and bless a homeless man with the $6 in my wallet. I visited with my brother & sister in law then I came home to enjoy some time with my kids with a movie and cuddles on the couch. None of those things might've happened if I hadn't decided to allow God to pull the weeds of my heart.
Here's what I learned today:
1.) No matter how 'hokey' or how 'religious weirdiness' it might sound, we DO fight a battle everyday. Satan wants us just as much as God does and I have to make that decision to live in the Light and actually DO what God wants me to do every single day.
2.) Just because I'm right in my point, doesn't make me right in my attitude.
3.) I have a husband who is on my team. No matter what. He is willing to give up things if it means making me happy. (Because we all know "if mama ain't happy......")
4.) No matter what anybody says or does or how anybody makes me feel (whether it is on purpose or not) it is my job, my duty and my responsibility to control my attitude.
5.) If I decide to have a 'moody day' then others miss the opportunity to see Jesus' Light...and that's just not fair.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
HA!
Boy, wouldn't THAT be nice! Lets take a look at reality: I hit my alarm 3 times. I finally rolled out of bed, almost falling into the wall. I took 2 Tylenol to relieve the pain and stiffness in my neck. Took a bath because, quite frankly, I was too tired to stand to take a shower. Looked 3 times for the pants I thought I had prepared the night before just to find them exactly where I thought I had put them. I spent 5 minutes digging for a matching pair of socks, then decided, eh, who looks at my socks anyways. I attempted to catch the weather as I was dashing back and forth from the living room to the bathroom to put on my make up. I couldn't find a clean work shirt so I opted to wear a casual button up shirt that, of course, needed to be ironed. Threw the dog outside, spent 2 minutes frantically searching for my keys, realized I missed the weather and couldn't find the belt I like to wear. Got in my car, buckled up and....crap, I forgot to eat. Oh well, and we're off.
By 8:30 I had finished my morning bus run and come home to get into a heated argument with my husband. Now, normally, I would just presume that I am right and he is wrong and that's what makes the world turn rather perfectly. However, in this case, there was NO presuming. I was right and that was that. So there.....HUMPH.
The argument didn't solve anything. In fact, a seed had been planted in my heart. The planter was none other, than Satan himself. He started with one little magic seed, Pride, and it very quickly grew like a weed. Within 30 minutes the Pride weed had grown roots and these roots were creating Resentment, Jealousy, Envy, Self-Righteousness and Anger. Our conversation ended with our great results. I tried to pull the roots but a voice in the back of my head kept whispering reminders of the argument and no matter how many times I attempted to pull those thoughts from my mind they kept coming back.
By now it was 1 in the afternoon. I was tired. I hadn't eaten lunch nor had I taken my daily cat nap. I was too busy being angry that I couldn't focus on what I needed for myself. I didn't get anyting accomplished that I had hoped to get accomplished. And then it hit me.
"No wonder I can't pull these weeds", I thought. "I haven't prayed at all today."
On any normal day I spend about 10 minutes reading a small passage of scripture and I make a point to get down on my knees and speak to my Holy Savior before I leave the house. By 1 in the afternoon I've prayed at least 2 or 3 times....sometimes more. But not this day. Today I left the house vulnerable to the Enemy.
I haven't met one gardener who throws seeds in the dirt, dusts off his hands and says "Well, I guess we'll see what happens". No! They get down on their knees and work the soil. Their hands get dirty every single day. They slave in the beating sun and work up a heavy sweat. They water and fertilize the seeds and pull the weeds as often as it takes. A garden takes time and patience and consistancy. All too often we forget how precious we are to God's emmaculate garden but in order for us to flourish we have to work everyday on our relationship with Him. It's more than just going to church. It's a consitant, daily routine of reading the Word and actually talking to God.
So, I prayed. Several minutes after my prayer I realized I was still angry. Those roots were still there and still growing. I decide that it was just going to be a bad day. Everybody has a moody day, right? Why can't I? And that was that. I had made the concious decision to be in a bad mood. So I allowed the weeds to start growing again. Now I'm driving my bus and just dwelling on my Self - Pity.
Then God started knocking on my heard-headed self. He said "I am the light! How can you be my Light if you're letting the darkness of the Enemy rule your heart?" I prayed again...this time a little less self righteous. This time, I made it a little more of an honest prayer. This time I didn't pray for my husband, but for myself. About that time I was sitting at a traffic light, still slightly moody. I must have had a 'stone face' look about me because the guy in the diesel truck next to me honked to get my attention. I thought "Great, now I'm stuck next to a creeper. What else can go wrong today?" I turned to him and he leaned up as much as he could in his truck and turned towards me so I could read his shirt. It said: "I don't have A.D.D....oh Look! A squirrel!" Now, I have heard that 'joke' a thousand times but for some reason this time it was hilarious. I caught myself laughing, genuinely laughing, for the first time all day long. The light turned green and I went my way as he went his and I realized that God had just sent this goofy man to do something weird to change my entire attitude. And I was immediately blessed because God knew exactly what I needed and exactly when I needed it.
Althought I still had Satan's roots planted I decided I wasn't going to be full of Pride, Resentment, Self-Righeousness, Self-Pity and Anger. God is good and anything that is not good is not of Him. So I began to sing:
I've got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart
I've got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart, down in my heart to Stay!
I sang over and over and over until the weeds started to fall away one by one. Within a matter of minutes I was back to my old self. Smiling and laughing and enjoying my time with those I'm surrounded with. I was able to visit with co-workers and bless a homeless man with the $6 in my wallet. I visited with my brother & sister in law then I came home to enjoy some time with my kids with a movie and cuddles on the couch. None of those things might've happened if I hadn't decided to allow God to pull the weeds of my heart.
Here's what I learned today:
1.) No matter how 'hokey' or how 'religious weirdiness' it might sound, we DO fight a battle everyday. Satan wants us just as much as God does and I have to make that decision to live in the Light and actually DO what God wants me to do every single day.
2.) Just because I'm right in my point, doesn't make me right in my attitude.
3.) I have a husband who is on my team. No matter what. He is willing to give up things if it means making me happy. (Because we all know "if mama ain't happy......")
4.) No matter what anybody says or does or how anybody makes me feel (whether it is on purpose or not) it is my job, my duty and my responsibility to control my attitude.
5.) If I decide to have a 'moody day' then others miss the opportunity to see Jesus' Light...and that's just not fair.
Psalm 37:8
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
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